In recent years, there were a few encounters where someone casually gave their comments about me. Later, those words softly crept into my mind and left the seeds before I realized it. It is hard to believe, for someone with a memory as terrible as mine, but I still remember during my Master’s time, Ahmed once said to me next to a coffee machine: “You look like a PhD material.” At that time, it never came to my mind that I would pursue a PhD degree; in fact, I was looking for jobs soon after I started my Master’s thesis project. Well, then everything was working so smoothly for my thesis, I thought to myself, “Oh, I was really good at this.” So, before I thoroughly thought about what it meant to do a PhD, I started it.
During the 3rd year of my PhD, after an online presentation at a conference, I ran into Valentina the next day at the coffee corner. (It’s always the coffee machine! Is this a coincidence?) She said to me, “You would be a good teacher.” This was an unexpected comment, but somehow I remembered it in my heart. Later, I realized I do enjoy explaining things in the most simple and clear way possible (for myself), particularly with positive nonverbal feedback from the audience. Although this sense of achievement can not compare with a joke that worked. Well, both are enjoyable.
Last week, I ran into Yorrick next to the coffee machine (Again! I know!). He was asking about when I would travel to the Netherlands for my PhD defense, and I mentioned my dreadful feeling about it. Then he commented: “Oh, you don’t want to graduate, you want to stay as a PhD student.” At the time, I did not realize how true his words were. Now the more I think about it, the more I agree with it. Indeed, I’m having this strange feeling now, it’s because this time, finally, I can no longer hide behind the studentship, but what am I afraid of? About I can not live up to other people’s expectations? Why should I care? I am not living for other people. Oh, I see, again it’s about how much I care about how other people think about me. Maybe it’s another time to remind myself to stop worrying about that. I should think about what I want, but what do I want? This is THE question I have been neglecting, wondering, giving up thinking, and still cannot answer.
Now is 23:13 on 15 May 2025—about a year and a half after my defense—I was trying to figure out if I still want to renew the website subscription, and I just stumbled across this unfinished piece with no memory of writing it. Although I still drink coffee and pass by the coffee machine in the office, there haven’t been any particularly memorable conversations since. Mostly, it was just me, alone, trying to juggle the coffee pods and failing every time. Stella recently said I have changed a lot compared to the person she knew in the Netherlands, but why can I still not answer the questions above? I never felt that I was a senior Postdoc, more like a senior PhD exempted from the pressure to graduate. Some progress has been made, I must say, as I care so much less about how other people think about me now, though pent-up frustration, disappointment and sadness still hunt me every now and then. The only solution I see is to care even less. Do the things and people I care about make who I am, then? As for the question about what I want, maybe I will never find the answer.
Hi, There 